Consensual non-consent at Rutgers University

March 11th, 2011 // 4:59 pm @ Site Admin

I had a great time speaking at Dr. Charley Ferrer’s Human Sexuality program at Rutgers University last week.

As I’ve said before, it’s very special to speak to college age students on alternative sexuality and lifestyles. They are like big sponges, waiting for programming. It’s so important to make sure they are getting good information and hearing this type of subject matter discussed without prejudice and/or shame.

Youth is full of possibilities, and I feel it’s a real gift to tell a young adult that, life doesn’t have to be what you’ve always been told, but rather can be whatever you want it to be. Regardless of your sexual interest, as long as it’s in a consensual manner, no one should be made to feel bad about expressing themselves in whatever way brings them pleasure.

On that note, the class surprised me by wanting to talk about “consensual non-consent”.

For those of you who are not familiar with the term, consensual non-consent refers to role playing in a way that would appear to people from the outside as forced or non-consensual. The most common fantasy in this realm would be acting out a rape fantasy. This is obviously a very controversial type of “fantasy” but it’s exactly the kind of thing that needs to get dragged out into the light of day. Not everyone is going to agree and some people are going to be offended, but I truly feel that is a small price to pay so people can learn the truth about how others feel.

I have a strong conviction that as long as it’s consensual between all parties, including anyone viewing such, there is no taboo that is too taboo! When it comes to consensual non-consent, I have some especially passionate thoughts on how it intersects with sexual abuse.

For the knee jerkers in the crowd, who will read a few sentences of this article and then take it out of context and sensationalize it, let me save you some time.  Rape & sexual abuse are heinous crimes, period! What we are talking about is how people consensually fantasize and role play around these ideas and the misunderstandings surrounding that.

So let’s start with a quote from Psychology Today.

From 1973 through 2008, nine surveys of women’s rape fantasies have been published. They show that about four in 10 women admit having them (31 to 57 percent) with a median frequency of about once a month. Actual prevalence of rape fantasies is probably higher because women may not feel comfortable admitting them. – Psychology Today

That’s an average of 44% and they are using the very powerful word “rape”. They didn’t ask how many women had consensual non-consent fantasies. So you would have to imagine that the number of women that fantasize about various different types of forceful sex must be much higher. This is not one isolated survey but an average of nine of them.

If you fantasize about consensual non-consent, rape or any other forceful sex fantasy, you are not sick, strange or even unique. It’s very common.

Bringing in the topic of sexual abuse, in my experience, I’ve found that many of the people who fetishize consensual non-consent are people who’ve had some sort of abuse in their past. Shocking? Hardly, since the sheer number of sexually abused is so staggering, it would be impossible NOT to have some of them included in the subset of those that fantasize about it.

The National Resource Council estimates the percent of the U.S. population which has been sexually abused to range from a low of 20-24 percent to a high of 54-62 percent of the population; the higher estimate includes sexualized exposure without touching, such as masturbating in front of a child. The largest retrospective study on the prevalence of child sexual abuse found 27 percent of women and 16 percent of men reported abuse. –  The National Sexual Violence Resource Center on Child Sexual Abuse, “Fact Sheet on Child Sexual Abuse,”

Up to 62 percent of the population?? Why that would mean that Sexual Abuse is an epidemic!

OPEN YOUR EYES AMERICA, OF COURSE IT IS! We just  don’t talk about that in polite company. After all, we are civilized people. It’s much easier to hold our hands over our ears and pretend it doesn’t exist. Sure, every 12 year old girl has a story about Uncle Soandso having his hands all over them when no one was looking and Father Bob likes to make sure the alter boys have plenty of wine, but really, we are a wonderful, law abiding, heartwarming, fairy tale of a race.

Sorry folks, we are just animals, an evolutionary blink of the eye from hitting people over the head with clubs and dragging them back to our cave to have our way with them.  Remember, you can put lipstick on a pig…  but it’s still a PIG.

Our puritanical society would like keep these facts as quiet as possible. So regardless if you’ve been abused or not, society would appreciate it if you’d continue to feel as much guilt and shame as possible, over the fact that for whatever reason, we seem to enjoy “fantasizing” about a real life, terrible thing.

In the absence of truth, a person is sure to beat themselves up for the rest of their life over the silence.

Denying our sexual humanity is dangerous! We wonder why people harm themselves? Have no self worth? It’s disgusting.

Interestingly enough, besides being sexually arousing, consensual non-consent might even have therapeutic value. Psychologists have discussed how reenacting trauma  can help people work through their feelings, for many years.

“It has been suggested that actively reenacting a past trauma can provide an opportunity for an individual to integrate and work through the terror, helplessness, and other feelings and beliefs surrounding the original trauma. That mastery could be achieved by actively repeating a past uncontrollable and unpleasurable experience. Control can slowly be reestablished by repeatedly experiencing what once had to be endured. For example, a woman who was sexually abused as a child and who, as a result, was terrified of physical contact involved herself in massage therapy training. Placing herself in a situation reminiscent of her past trauma and exploring her massage therapy experiences in psychotherapy enabled her to work through her overwhelming affect related to her past sexual abuse and diminished her fear of physical contact. We can also see this process in normal grief work: reexperiencing the feelings of grief, telling stories about a lost loved one, and repeatedly confronting every element of the loss until the intensity of the distress has remitted can enable the individual to assimilate the event and to work through the feelings surrounding the trauma.” – Journal of Psychotherapy Practice Research

In closing, I think that Pat Bond, the founder of The Eulenspiegel Society/TES, which is the oldest and largest BDSM support & education group in the Country, spoke very eloquently when he was putting together his group’s creed back in 1971:

We support sexual liberation as a basic requirement of a truly free society. Our special concern is freedom for sexual minorities and particularly the rights of those whose sexuality embraces D/S or dominant/submissive fantasies and urges.

These rights have largely been denied through negative public attitudes, internalized to a great extent by those possessing such inclination themselves. We assert the following rights for all:

1. The right to pursue joy and happiness in one’s own evolving nature, as long as this doesn’t infringe upon the similar rights of others.

2. The right to define oneself, and not be defined by persons whose experiences have not provided them with the understanding to appreciate one’s mystique nor by those whose repressed urges may panic them into rigid hostility toward it.

For more on TES and the rest of their creed, visit them at www.Tes.org.

Consensual Non-Consent At Rutgers University

Category : Alternative Lifestyle &Story Archive